Het lokaal aan de Winketkaai is nu definitief ingewijd :-). Met z’n zevenen hebben we ons gezellig in de bar geïnstalleerd en ervaringen en beschouwingen uitgewisseld tot ver na 22u. Het is ook heel fijn dat mensen terugkeren om nieuwe verhalen te horen en frisse ideeën op te doen.
Kinderen
We hadden het deze keer nogal uitgebreid over kinderen. Vaak constateren we bv. dat kinderen toch boven alles verkiezen dat hun ouders samenblijven, zelfs als er (veel) ruzie is. Op zich is dat geen reden om absoluut een scheiding te vermijden natuurlijk. Maar het geeft wel aan dat kinderen, meestal veel meer dan we denken, openstaan voor de ‘problematiek’ van een extra partner bij één (van de) ouder(s). Ze hebben vaak door dat er ‘iets is’, lang voor je er met hen over praat. De klassieke houding is doorgaans om de verwarrende situaties die polyamorie nogal eens met zich meebrengt, te verbergen voor de kinderen. Zeker wanneer dat spanningen meebrengt in het huishouden. Is dat altijd de beste keuze? Allicht niet. Kinderen blijken een zeer groot acceptatievermogen te hebben als het gaat om het geluk van hun ouders. Hoewel dat tijdens de puberteit wat moeilijker kan liggen. Als vader en moeder gelukkig zijn, is het voor de kinderen blijkbaar ook vaak prima, zelfs wanneer de situatie afwijkt van wat als ‘normaal’ wordt beschouwd.
En wat als de kinderen het goed bewaarde geheim uitbrengen? Ook dat valt nogal mee. Je kan hen best duidelijk maken dat delicate thema’s als verliefdheid en relaties niet meteen aan de grote klok moeten gehangen worden. Maar kinderen voelen ook vaak uit zichzelf aan wat maatschappelijk moeilijk ligt, en zullen er daarom niet zo snel zelf over beginnen. Liegen tast in elk geval elk vertrouwen sterk aan, zeker bij kinderen. Dus als jouw kinderen op de hoogte zijn van de polysituatie, maar de kinderen van een nieuwe partner nog niet, kun je best zelf actie ondernemen voor de kinderen elkaar ontmoeten. Want zij zullen er onderling zeker wel over praten.
Tantra
We hadden ook een interessant zijspoor over tantrarelaties. Het zou ons te ver leiden om hier dieper in te gaan op de princiepes en methodes van tantra, maar er is toch wel een zeker verband met polyamorie. Zo is iedereen het er wel over eens dat je goed in je vel moet zitten om polyamorisch te leven. Het is m.a.w. niet echt een optie om een gemis aan zelfvertrouwen of behoefte aan aandacht en genegenheid te willen ‘opvangen’ door extra intieme relaties aan te gaan. Het één sluit het ander niet uit, maar polyamorie is niet de meest geschikte manier om een onzekere of gekwetste persoonlijkheid te versterken. Tantra biedt wél een systeem om aan jezelf te werken, zodat je meer van jezelf kan houden, tevreden bent om wie je bent. En dat is nog altijd de ideale basis om een ander te aanvaarden in z’n totaliteit, om een verbinding aan te gaan op een dieper emotioneel niveau. En dus ook om ruimte en energie te geven aan meervoudige liefde. Bovendien biedt tantra natuurlijk ook een heel nieuw zicht op intimiteit in het algemeen en sexualiteit in het bijzonder.
Lief, liever, jalief
Het blijft moeilijk te geloven voor wie geen ervaring heeft met polyamorie, toch is het een feit: liefde is onuitputtelijk. Je kan delen en blijven delen, zolang er een minimum aan harmonie is in de relaties. Het is zo mooi om te zien hoe je partner geniet van de liefde van een andere man of vrouw. Het voelt zo goed om jalief te zijn. Wat je partner gelukkig maakt, maakt jou ook gelukkig. Toch zijn de reacties uit je omgeving vaak eerder negatief. ‘Dat kan nooit blijven werken.’ ‘Je bent naief, hij zal je verlaten.’ ‘Het gaat toch alleen maar om de seks?’ Probeer dan maar eens uit te leggen waar het écht om gaat.... Het heeft geen zin te discussiëren over de vraag of polyamorie beter zou zijn dan eender welke andere relatievorm. Al wordt het enthousiasme waarmee we onze visie verdedigen nogal eens aanzien als het promoten van meervoudige liefde. Het is dan ook behoorlijk moeilijk om de ‘juiste houding’ te vinden t.o.v. de buitenwereld. Zeg je niks dan ben je achterbaks en versterk je het taboe, ben je open dan bruskeer je soms of riskeer je een roddelcircuit en het verlies van vrienden. De gulden middenweg die men nogal eens kiest is een soort passieve ‘laissez-faire’: we beginnen er zelf niet over maar als mensen vragen hebben, zullen we er eerlijk op antwoorden. En verder kunnen we alleen maar genieten van al die liefde en hopen dat zoveel mogelijk mensen dit pad aanvaarden. Daarom hoeven ze het zelf nog niet bewandelen.
Tot slot nog een prachtige reactie van één van de deelnemers van deze avond: ‘Ons samenzijn heeft mij ondertussen duidelijkheid gegeven van wat ik echt wens in relatie met vrouwen. Ik ben verbaasd en blij.’
Volgend polyamoriecafé in Mechelen: vrijdag 23 september, Winketkaai 23, vanaf 19u30.
Inschrijven & informatie: herwig.van.de.velde@skynet.be.
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