Met je privé op de TV

vr, 19/08/2011 - 14:59 | door Frank en Hilde

cameraman Een berichtje van Ageeth: de VPRO wilt aandacht besteden aan Polyamorie in het programma "Cafe de Liefde", of dat iets is voor Hilde en mij?

Met wegduiken win je de oorlog niet

Pffff, met ons hele privé op de TV? Nou nee.... want hoe gaat dat vallen, bij kennissen, familie, buurtgenoten, collega's. Ja, we maken er niet echt een geheim van, maar om nu gelijk heel Nederland op deze manier te informeren.... Liever niet.

Maar ergens bleef het toch knagen; waar waren we nu eigenlijk bang voor?

Voor afwijzing natuurlijk, uiteindelijk, afwijzing van onze manier van leven en dus ook afwijzing van een stuk van ons zijn. En bij ons mensen, als sociale wezens, ligt afwijzing nu eenmaal gevoelig.

Maar aan de andere kant: moet je dan uit angst een verhaal over Liefde niet vertellen? Dat zou toch al te gortig zijn. We lopen immers zelf altijd te verkondigen dat je niet vanuit angst moet leven, maar vanuit liefde.

Enfin, zo tobden we nog een tijdje door, en hoopten eigenlijk dat een ander het zou doen. Maar die ander meldde zich niet..... Totdat ik op een avond onze lieve vriendin Tonny tegenkwam, die eveneens liep te twijfelen over deelname. We spraken er over, waarop Tonny ter plekke de knoop voor zichzelf doorhakte "ik doe mee! want met wegduiken win je de oorlog niet". Moed vattend uit deze ferme woorden joeg ik vervolgens de kogel dan ook maar door de kerk: "als jij meedoet, doen wij ook mee, dan gaan we het avontuur wel met ons drieën aan".

En zo geschiedde....

Toch maar eerst met de redactie van het programma gebeld. We wilden zeker weten of hun intenties voldoende strookten met de onze. We snapten wel dat ons persoonlijk verhaal aan bod moest komen, want het is tenslotte TV en zo kun je het beste de boodschap brengen, maar we wilden meer dan alleen een persoonlijke lovestory. We wilden ook in zijn algemeenheid wat dingen kunnen zeggen over liefde, relaties, verliefdheid, jaloezie, en hoe wij daar tegen aankijken. Volgens de redactie was dat geen probleem; daar zou genoeg ruimte voor zijn. "Daar moet ik dan maar op vertrouwen" dacht ik, want we realiseerden ons goed dat we, eenmaal ingestapt, het proces echt niet meer helemaal zelf in de hand zouden hebben.

Op de stoep

Twee weken later stonden ze op de stoep, de jongens van de VPRO. Interviewer/programmamaker Bram van Splunteren, met aan zijn zijde cameraman Eric en geluidsman Hens. Ze stonden op de stoep, maar aanbellen deden ze nog niet want blijkbaar moest eerst ons huis uitvoerig worden gefilmd, en de straat, en de plaatselijke kerk..... We kregen het nu toch wel een beetje benauwd; Jezus waar waren we aan begonnen...

Eenmaal binnen was er gelukkig snel een klik. Ze wilden eerst wat huiselijke plaatjes, dus wij kregen de opdracht gezellig samen te gaan koken en intussen spontaan wat met elkaar te babbelen. Maar ja, probeer dat maar eens met een camera in je nek en een microfoon boven je hoofd.... Onze uitnodiging om mee te eten ( onder het motto: gastvrijheid is ook een vorm van liefde) namen ze graag aan, maar dan wel eerst wij met zijn tweeën want dat was ook een leuk plaatje. En toen begon de laptop op de keukentafel te bliepen... "Shit niet nu" dacht ik want ik verwachtte nog een bericht van mijn vriendin Nicole. Bram van Splunteren was alert: "volgens mij krijg je een chatoproep" zei hij droogjes. Of ze dat ook even mochten filmen. Nu ja, vooruit dan maar, dus ik kon Nicole laten weten dat ze op dat moment "in de uitzending" zat. Wat ze gelukkig wel geinig vond.

Daarna een uitvoerig interview, in de tuin, heel knus met zijn tweeën voor de hortensia’s..... De vragen waren oké: over liefde, jaloezie, verliefdheid, seks en hoe vaak en waar, waarom we hier aan begonnen waren en wat het ons nu eigenlijk bracht, hoeveel liefdesrelaties we op dit moment hadden en hoe die er uit zagen, enz. Maar het was toch lastig om in een paar zinnen iets uit te leggen waar we drie jaar voor nodig hebben gehad om het te ontdekken. Het was afwisselend plezier beleven en peentjes zweten, dat interview... En tussendoor ook nog wat touwtrekken met de interviewer over aard en richting van de vragen.

Een week later stonden de heren bij Tonny op de stoep. De afspraak was dat wij later op de avond ook zouden aanschuiven; keurig op tijd meldden we ons en begroetten Tonny warm en liefdevol. Dit laatste op verzoek van de programmamakers, maar dat verzoek was eigenlijk overbodig want zo doen we het altijd.... En opnieuw volgde er een interview, waarin men natuurlijk benieuwd was hoe de relatie tussen ons drieën nu precies in elkaar zat. Over de cameravrees waren we intussen heen; wat ons betreft mochten ze alles vragen.

Actieplaatjes

Daarna moesten er nog wat actieplaatjes worden gefilmd (want het is tenslotte TV nietwaar), dus wij de stad in met de filmploeg achter ons aan, en een disco ingedoken. Daar kregen we de opdracht vooral heel spontaan intiem te gaan dansen, terwijl de cameraman om ons heen draaide. In een mum van tijd stond natuurlijk alle publiek aan de kant het gebeuren te bekijken, en wij intussen maar spontaan doen. Pfff, wat ons betrof was het nu wel even genoeg. Tonny was intussen in een wat balorige stemming geraakt en begon plotseling hevig met mij te zoenen, tot vreugde van de cameraman..... Dat zal dus wel de openingsshot worden.

Hilde had zich tijdens het eerste interview laten ontvallen dat ze 's anderdaags een date had met een oude liefde. De programmamakers waren benieuwd hoe dat zou aflopen; of ze de volgende week nog een keer mochten terugkomen om "het verhaal compleet te maken". Het liefst wilden ze bij haar lover-in-spe voor de deur gaan staan om haar bij het verlaten van het pand vers van de lever verslag te laten doen, (want TV is tenslotte emotie nietwaar) maar dat ging Hilde toch te ver. Dus een week later nog een derde keer voor de camera, en toen hadden we het echt achter de rug...

We zijn heel benieuwd wat ze ervan gaan maken. Het is uit onze handen nu. Een paar uur aan opnames wordt teruggebracht tot 20 minuten en in zo'n montage kun je natuurlijk alle kanten op. We vertrouwen op de integriteit van de programmamakers, maar spannend is het wel.

We hebben afgesproken dat we voor de uitzending de montage nog te zien krijgen; we hopen dat er voldoende van onze “boodschap” in zit. Die uitzending is 26 september, om half negen, primetime, ook dat nog. Misschien dat ik daags erna toch maar even een zak over mijn hoofd trek alvorens de straat op te gaan...

Daar doen we het voor

Tussen de opnames door deelden we dit avontuur met enkele goede vrienden en vriendinnen, polyamoreus en monogaam. De reacties waren soms enthousiast ("geweldig dat jullie de moed hebben dit te doen") en deels vol verbazing ("waarom wil je in vredesnaam met je privé op de TV?").

Ja, waarom willen we dat? We zijn geen van beide narcisten, dus dat kan het niet zijn. Maar onze ervaring doorgeven, dat willen we wel. Voor ons is de overschakeling naar polyamorie heel erg verrijkend geweest (en nog steeds), voor onze individuele ontwikkeling, en voor onze al dertig jaar bestaande relatie. Voor mijzelf geldt bovendien dat er zich in mijn praktijk als trainer en coach steeds meer mensen melden met vragen over relaties, liefde, verliefdheid, trouw en ontrouw, monogamie en polyamorie. Mensen die hebben gehoord dat ik "iets heb" met dat onderwerp. Ik vind het ontzettend mooi en dankbaar dat ik op deze manier iets met mijn ervaringen kan doen, ook in mijn professie. Als je daar meer over wilt weten kun je kijken op www.schulpentrainingencoaching.nl .

Ongetwijfeld zullen er mensen zijn die straks afkeurend de uitzending bezien en, als ze ons kennen, vervolgens ons afkeurend bezien. Maar we zijn ervan overtuigd dat er evenzoveel mensen zijn die zich in ons verhaal zullen herkennen, wie weet erdoor geraakt worden, of op zijn minst aan het denken worden gezet. Voor die mensen doen we het.

50% van Nederland gaat vreemd , als “oplossing” voor de beperkingen van de monogamie, een weinig respectvolle oplossing met vaak een hoop verdriet en opgebroken relaties als gevolg. Dat het ook anders kan, dat wilden we graag laten zien.

Frank&Hilde

De uitzending van VPRO Cafe de Liefde is op 26 september a.s., om 20.30u ned 2.

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